Catching the Assassin
by atrophying mind
Summary: Hisoka decides that he needs something to do since Kuroro no longer has his Nen abilities. He decides to set his sights on the raven haired doll, Illumi. Hisoka x Illumi. Warning: yaoi


A/N: My first HxH fic! It's a Hisoka x Illumi pairing. It's supposed to be light hearted and funny... and perverted as well.

X X X X X X X X X X

The two met on the outskirts of York Shin City, in an abandoned building. There was the psychotic red-haired magician sitting on a piece of rubble and a raven haired assassin standing a few feet ahead of him.

"It's too bad that Kuroro lost his Nen abilities..." Hisoka sighed. "I've been waiting so long to have a battle with him. Now he's no fun anymore."

Hisoka could act like such a child at times when he didn't get what he wanted. He pouted and whined at the assassin, who could care less as long as he was paid.

"Hisoka," Illumi said. The magician was snapped out of his thoughts.

"My payment," the young assassin said briskly.

"Ne Illumi-kun, we've known each other for how long now?"

"About a year," came the monotonous response.

"You're still so cold to me. You act like I'm a first time client or something like that. I would think that after a year, you would do a favor for me without asking anything in return," Hisoka confessed. He grinned and sneaked a glance at Illumi. There was a subtle change in the assassin's expression. Only after observing him for a period of time could Hisoka slightly decipher what the youth was thinking. Illumi was upset that he might not get his payment.

"I'm just joking, Illumi-kun! Of course I'll pay you," Hisoka said. Illumi's face returned to its normal state. The magician took out his cell phone and dialed the bank. He pressed the correct buttons to complete the transaction and then returned the phone to his pocket. He turned to smile at Illumi.

"All done, Illumi-chan!" Illumi ignored the statement and turned to leave the psycho to his thoughts. As he walked away, he felt the magician's stare upon his back, well, upon his back_side_. Hisoka chuckled to himself, enjoying his view. He was many things and a pervert was one of them. Hisoka watched the younger man leave and felt a bit disappointed. Not only did he lose the chance to fight Kuroro, but he also lost a chance to seduce the reclusive youth.

"Hmm... Now what can I do? I'm bored," Hisoka groaned.

He had hoped Illumi would provide some stimulation but from his previous encounters with him, he knew that the assassin had no blood lust and only killed if he was paid to. Illumi had intrigued him since they met at the Hunter Exam. However, his curiosity with Gon and Killua overshadowed his interest in Illumi. He never really thought about it until now, but Illumi was quite interesting. The assassin was good in his line of work, but took no pleasure in killing. This struck Hisoka as most odd. Most assassins either enjoy the hunt or love the taste and/or smell of blood. Illumi wasn't like that at all. In fact, it seemed like he took no interest in anything. It was like he was a soulless shell that only existed to do the bidding of his clients.

Well, it seemed Hisoka found something to occupy his time. Since Gon and Killua are probably still in York Shin City trying to get their hands on something in the auctions, Hisoka could spend his time trying to figure out Illumi. He wasn't sure if it was at all possible, but it would certainly give his brain some stimulation.

The psycho needed some place to stay anyway, the Spiders were looking for him. Where better to hide than with assassins? It was easy for him to find where the Zoaldyck family was staying. They never leave their location a secret. Hisoka walked up to the fancy hotel and went straight for the desk. He had been here before and tipped generously, so the workers remembered him. He got the family's room numbers and went to search all three.

One room had gold covering about every square inch of the place. This couldn't be Illumi's room unless he had a secret lust for money. It was probably the grandfather's place. The next room had animal skins draped around the furniture and heads mounted on the walls. He frowned at the place. It had no taste whatsoever. He hoped this wasn't Illumi's room. He'd hate to fuck the assassin on some dead animal skin. Even he wasn't that twisted. Hisoka never really considered Illumi's taste before. He hoped the last room had better style than the previous two.

Hisoka approached the third room and twisted the knob. Locked, like the previous two. Of course, simple door locks couldn't prevent him from getting into the room. Hisoka took out his deck of playing cards and took one out. With one simple swipe, the lock was cut and the room was opened to him. He took one step into the room only to have some sharp knives rain down on him. He easily avoided them and ran right into a huge ax trying to cut his head off. One card was all he needed to cut the ax off. He thought the traps were over, when he stepped into some viscous mucus. He frowned again, seeing his boots caught in a mysterious substance. As he tried to yank his way out, he sensed something drop from above. Was that... acid? Not wanted to scald his face, Hisoka launched himself forward. The acid fell onto his boots, effectively burning off the mucus and freeing him from his sticky captor. The magician looked around for any more traps and was relieved to find no more. His hands groped around for the light switch and finally found it.

Hisoka was impressed by the room. Aside from the traps, the room actually had some taste. The furniture was from the 19th century and there were oil paintings decorating the walls. The drapes were made of silk and oriental rugs warmed the floors. It was spacious and well-lit. There was even a mini-bar in a corner of the room! This wasn't what the magician expected at all. He thought it would resemble a torture chamber, after seeing the traps.

The psycho walked around the hotel room, stopping by places to see how comfortable it would be if they were to have sex there. After a few minutes, he found what he was looking for, Illumi's bed. As expected, there were black sheets with a few red and silver touches. He let himself in the bed, bouncing on it, picturing Illumi eagle-spread on the bed. Hisoka licked his lips, eagerly waiting for Illumi to return to the room. He chuckled in his trademark maniacal laugh as he lied down on the sheets and tried to catch Illumi's scent from the bed. There wasn't any, but that was the mark of a good assassin: to leave no traces behind. After a few minutes, Hisoka got off the bed and headed for the shower. He stripped off all his clothes on the way and started to plan how to get Illumi.

X X X X

The assassin slowly walked back to his room. He sensed someone already in his room before he even saw the broken lock. He took out a needle and made his way inside. Illumi easily avoided the traps he set and headed for the intruder. He stopped hiding his presence and lowered the needle when he saw a pair of boots on the floor. His eyes followed the trail of discarded clothes to the bathroom. He could hear that the shower was still on. The assassin's face didn't show any signs of what he felt. He simply moved toward the room and opened the door. It was steamy inside and Illumi's eyes couldn't locate the magician. He felt movement to his left and threw the needle in that direction. Hisoka dodged it and moved right for his target. The pervert avoided the next wave of needles and pinned Illumi to the wall.

"Now, now, Illumi-kun. Is that the way to treat your guest?" Hisoka crooned. Even with Illumi's emotionless face, Hisoka could tell that he wasn't happy to see him. Even if the assassin wasn't happy to see him, Hisoka certainly was. The psycho was still wet from his shower and his hair stuck to his skin. He didn't care the slightest bit that he was naked and pressed up against the younger man. Actually, he was a little aroused.

"Hisoka, what are you doing here? I thought the job was finished," Illumi said monotonously.

Hisoka smiled mischievously at the youth trapped between his arms. He moved his face closer to Illumi's and inhaled his hair. He smelled like the fresh earth and trees. He moved his lips to the assassin's ear.

"I was wondering if you provided other... services," Hisoka whispered as his tongue traced the outer shell of Illumi's ear. He was answered with a rough shove and his back collided harshly with the wall opposite Illumi.

"I'm not interested in that," Illumi said. Hisoka removed himself from his indentation in the wall and walked toward the youth. He tousled his hair with his fingers and frowned.

"Aa... that's too bad. First Machi, and now you," Hisoka moaned.

"If you only came here for that, then you can leave now," Illumi said in a flat tone.

"Is this how you treat all your friends? No wonder you don't have that many."

"I don't have any friends."

"Is that so? I'm hurt you would say that. Then what do you consider me?" Hisoka asked sarcastically. Illumi seemed to ponder a while before responding.

"That's a good question. I don't know," the assassin replied.

"Well, since you don't consider me an enemy or a target, I suppose you'll let me stay here without trying to kill me, right?" Hisoka asked. Illumi's eyes looked Hisoka up and down trying to find any hints of trickery. Hisoka put his hands on his hips and smirked at the youth.

"Why do you need to stay here? You're not injured and you can afford your own room."

"The Spiders are after me and I thought I would be safer here in your arms," Hisoka teased. "Your elders fought with Kuroro, so you know how tough the Spiders are."

"And since you fooled the Spiders into thinking you joined, only wanting to kill their leader, they're now angry with you." Illumi concluded.

"Well, maybe more than angry, but that's about right. What do you say, Illumi-kun? I'll make it well worth your while," Hisoka suggested, licking his lips and eying the assassin.

"I told you, I'm not interested in -"

"I know, I know. How about money then? I'll pay you whatever you want."

"How about all your money?"

"Oh. I didn't know you had a sense of humor. But I was thinking more like ten times your fee." Hisoka proposed. Illumi pondered for a while. That added another zero to his paycheck. "And you'll get to see me naked whenever you want!" Hisoka added. Illumi's eyes narrowed slightly and he was going to refuse, but he couldn't pass up the opportunity. His father taught him to take advantage of a good deal.

"How long will you stay?" Illumi asked.

"Nnn... about a week."

"Put on some clothes," Illumi said as he walked out of the bathroom. Hisoka smirked at his little victory.

A couple of minutes later, Hisoka walked out of the bathroom with a tiny towel around his waist. He was drier than before, but still left footprints around the room. Illumi was reading a book, when he noticed that Hisoka came out. He didn't say anything about the lack of covering or the footprints on the floor.

"Illumi, I just realized that I don't have any clothes to wear. The ones I had on were torn by your traps. Can you get me some clothes from my room?"

Illumi didn't want to be Hisoka's servant for the whole week, but he didn't want to be around him either. The younger man got up and asked for the key. Hisoka reached into the pockets of his clothes and gave Illumi his key-card.

"Don't worry, there are no traps," Hisoka said. Illumi silently left his room and went to retrieve something that covered skin for Hisoka.

After the young assassin left, Hisoka went into Illumi's room and searched the drawers for some hint of personality. He found needles, knives, rope, and some torture tools. He found some hotel hand lotion as well. That might come in handy later. He put it on the top drawer so he could easily access it later. There was no doubt in his mind that he would get Illumi sooner or later. Upon further search of the room, he concluded that Illumi was all work and no play.

Illumi was an enigma. To most people, he was just a perfect killing machine. No emotions, so that he could kill without hesitation or thought. Hisoka supposed Illumi would be the result of being brought up by an assassin family. But what about Killua and Miruki? He met Miruki in York Shin, greedily stuffing his face with burgers and chips. Illumi also told him that he had a doll collection and loved to play video games. And there was Killua, the youngest son who acted like a kid. He had a skateboard and always wanted to have fun with Gon. The other boys had a passion or interest in something, but Illumi didn't. Was it because Illumi was the oldest? Did his father accidentally take training a bit too far and break Illumi's spirit? But the father and grandfather were trained the same way when they were young and they still seem to be themselves. So what happened to Illumi?

X X X X

Hisoka turned to see Illumi come in through the window. Why didn't he think of that when he entered Illumi's room? Oh well, at least his Illumi was back. Hisoka smirked at him and patted the seat next to him on the couch. He was sitting with that tiny towel that barely covered anything. Illumi threw the bag at Hisoka, who caught it effortlessly.

"There were spiders at your room," Illumi said.

"Oh? Are you hurt anywhere? Nurse Hisoka will take care of that for you," Hisoka teased.

Illumi just walked toward the bathroom. He turned around to see Hisoka search for something to wear.

"I'm going to take a shower. Don't try anything," Illumi said.

"Hn? Is that a challenge?" Hisoka queried. The bathroom door slammed and the lock clicked.

Hisoka frowned but turned to pick out some clothes. He found a tight midriff and a pair of sweatpants. He put it on, not the least bit bothered about the lack of underwear. He reclined on the couch and waited for Illumi to come out from the shower.

About thirty minutes later, Illumi emerged with a normal sized towel around his waist and another one around his neck. Hisoka's eyes gravitated toward the towel. That would come off easily in one pull. Hisoka licked his lips and beckoned Illumi with his finger. The assassin saw him gesture for him.

"What is it?" Illumi asked.

"For ten times your fee, you could be a little nicer to me," Hisoka said. Illumi stared blankly at him waiting for him to continue.

"I just wanted to see if we could talk as friends..." Hisoka said. He patted the seat next to him again. Illumi stood where he was.

"Come now, you know I don't bite... much," Hisoka said. Illumi sat down a couple of inches from the magician but Hisoka moved over and closed that gap.

"So, Illumi-kun, what do you do for fun?" Hisoka asked. There was no response.

"What do you do in your free time?" Hisoka tried again.

"I train," came the simple response.

"That's it? No secret hobbies or interests like Miruki and Killua-chan?" Hisoka wondered. Illumi turned to look Hisoka right in his eyes.

"Why are you bringing up my brothers?"

"A little protective, are you?"

"It's my duty to protect my family, especially the heir."

Hisoka wondered if Illumi really did nothing else. What did his parents do to him to make him so loyal to the family? But the magician wondered about something else too. By now, he was slightly leaning over Illumi, with one hand behind the couch and he started to trail his other hand up Illumi's thigh.

"So you've never taken time off to enjoy yourself?" Hisoka asked, as his hand was now under the towel and playing with Illumi. Hisoka was a little disappointed when Illumi didn't respond, physically or verbally. The assassin moved his hand to Hisoka's groping one and pushed it away.

"Don't mistake my payment for something else. I'm your... bodyguard, not your whore," Illumi said tonelessly. Hisoka was a little surprised that Illumi used such foul language. He was usually so reserved. Illumi got up and headed for his room to pick out clothes to sleep in when he felt Hisoka's presence behind him.

"What are you doing?" Illumi asked.

"Watching you change," Hisoka replied. Illumi didn't reply and slowly picked out his clothes. He changed nonchalantly in front of excited eyes.

"Oh? Briefs I see."

Once Illumi was fully dressed, he started to pull the covers off his bed.

"Ne, where am I going to sleep? You don't expect the guest to sleep on the couch, do you?" Hisoka asked. Illumi looked at him and then the bed.

"You can sleep here if you want," Illumi said.

"Really? But I don't want to kick you from your bed. We can share..." Hisoka offered. His suggestion went on deaf ears as Illumi was thinking of something else.

"Father said I can't dig holes in the floor," Illumi said to himself. he looked around for a suitable sleeping area and found one. Hisoka wondered what Illumi was doing when he climbed on top of a huge vase. The assassin hopped in and said "oyasumi" and disappeared for the night. A couple of seconds passed before it registered in Hisoka's brain that Illumi was sleeping in a vase to avoid him. He laughed loudly and then plopped down on the bed.

"Don't ask for help if you can't get out in the morning," Hisoka chuckled and then fell asleep.

X X X X X X X X X X

A/N: Feedback would be appreciated (especially positive feedback...) :D


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